| There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday
and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets. The pope came to New York City and hailed a cab from the airport to go to St. Patrick's Cathedral. Because he was running late, the pope asked the driver to speed up, but the cabby refused. Finally the frustrated pope demanded that the cabby pull over and let him drive. No sooner than he had taken over, a policeman stopped them. When the officer looked inside, his eyes widened and he turned and ran back to his car to call the police chief. "I've stopped a speeding cab but there's someone very important inside. What do I do?" "Give the driver a ticket," the chief growled. "But he's got a very important passenger". "Well who is it?" the chief asked. "I don't know," the officer replied. "But the pope is driving him." First Confessions: Father was hearing first confessions. One little boy had little to confess, "Do you have anymore," he asked. "Sure," the youngster replied, "but I'm saving them for next time." After a few words to put the child at ease, Father asked: "Would you like to tell me your sins?" "Sure," the child replied. "Which ones do you want? The good ones or the bad ones." Question: What do you call people who regularly evacuate the last pews after communion and before the recessional and before the priest leaves the altar? Answer: The faithful departed. People want the front of the bus, back of the church and center of
attention. If you have insomnia, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce ten commandments. Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." From student exams and essays: Esau was a man who wrote fables and sold his copyright for a mess of potash. The brother of Jacob was called Seesaw. Samson pulled down the pillows of the temple. The Israelites made a golden calf because they didn't have enough gold to make a cow. Joshua led the Hebrews in their victory in the battle of Geritol." Solomon had 200 wives and 700 cucumbers The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums. A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak. A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?" That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth' |